The day I didn’t kill myself, did not start off like any other day. And yet it was. It was an escalation of extreme awareness of the pain, suffering, disconnect with very little allowance and a ton of blame and guilt. Somewhere deeply ingrained within me was the belief that somehow I am responsible for all of it and simultaneously believing the pain was all mine. I was the one experiencing it, therefore it all belonged to me. Awareness can be a painful bitch. There are times I’ve wanted nothing more then to slip silently into stupidity and never having to be aware again, it’s just too damn painful to be aware of so much suffering, grief, anger, hatred and on and on and on. I woke up so intensely not wanting to be on this planet anymore I was unconsciously making plans to leave it.
The truth is though it wasn’t mine and I’m not responsible for all the pain in the world and it’s not my job to fix it or change it or heal it. For so long, I have believed it is and I’ve taking it all in and tried to heal it all with my body and my being and I was literally killing myself.
I reached out to friends, when the unconscious planning become conscious planning and the intense drive to no longer exist was at it’s peak, no one was available, no one … and I kept reaching out, till someone was. I cried and cried, I vented and made myself wrong and spewed out all the venom, frustration, anger and pain and they listen with no judgment. And when I was ready they asked me if I was open to some question. I was and things began to shift.
Later, I reached out to another friend and we went even deeper. I realized something. I had decided along that way that because I’m a “healer”, an “Access Consciousness Facilitator”, a “Coach” and many other titles I let define me, that somehow it is my job to stay healthy on my own; that I don’t “require” assistance from anyone, that I have all the tools within myself. That my friends is a load of bullshit that I bought, that could have cost me my life.
I didn’t get healthy, happy and amazing all on my own and somehow I thought I had to stay that way all on my own. Since that day: I did a radio show about my visit to crazy town, which was about a month before the day I didn’t kill myself, I’ve hired a coach, I’ve let people know how I’m doing and I’m making other changes. I’m letting go of what isn’t mine in a deeper more profound way. Truly, if it isn’t light, joyful and bubbly like me, it’s not mine. Suffering happens between the ears and my brain is one powerful mofo and it’s not more powerful than me and my being. I will be the most dominate entity in my life!
The day I didn’t kill myself has come and gone. I’m a on a new journey, stepping into all of me and letting go of everything else. My amazing off the charts awareness is becoming a tool I’m using for me, instead of against me. I wonder what and how much more I can create and what new choices I will continue to make in this journey of health, wellness, empowerment and brilliance of me!