Potency Is My Game Radio Show
Lying in my son’s bed as he wakes for the day, snuggled up beside him, we giggle at the ease and the joy at the life we’re creating together. He heads into the 6th grade this school year and as the summer winds down for my somehow-so-much-older-than-11-year-old, I’m struck in this very moment by the memory of what I chose all those years ago.
I remember that day so vividly. I was clear for myself that my time with my husband was done. I couldn’t stay another day calling myself his wife and partner. Yes, we had an amazingly vibrant young son that had been with us less than 2 years, but I KNEW we were through. I had made my choice in my heart, but I was still trying to reconcile with my head; and the family, the church, the neighbors, the outsiders, the entire world – because my focus then was always more about what other people might think of me. And this would be my 2nd divorce. “Heathen” is what I heard in my head.
Yet, standing in my kitchen, I sensed my future – my son’s and my future. I knew in that moment that I didn’t want to prepare another meal for, have another conversation with, plan a vacation with, and talk about dry cleaning and mortgage payments and the day-to-day reality of married life with someone who didn’t add to the joy, the kindness and the exuberance of life with me. I’d seen my parents’ model of marriage and that road was a bleak and less than inviting. Sure, I could have stayed, gutted it out, made it work, but the only thing that would have come from that was more years of stifling, enduring, struggling and lackluster living. And I wasn’t up for that any longer.
What I did desire and what I sensed was a future that included laughter, delight, curiosity, playfulness, joy, loving, ease, fluidity, less form, less structure, more question and more wanderlust. I didn’t know it at that time, but in that moment, I was tapped into more of me than I’d ever allowed myself access to before. And I was tapping into a future I not only knew was possible, but was beginning to create toward and for. I even said to myself, “I would rather be alone and blissfully happy, than together with someone and miserable. I’ll set the tone and be the example for my son, then he can learn to create for himself too – whatever he desires.” I didn’t realize just how powerful that acknowledgment was. How could I? I had sweaty palms, stress acne, mind-numbing anxiety and a constant sense of projectile vomit about to unleash at any given moment. But I chose forward anyway. In spite of the fear, the unknown, the judgment, the condemnation, the lack of understanding, etc.
Fast forward 9 years and as I feel the warmth of the sun streaming in my son’s window beside us, feeling the rise and fall of his chest as his back is pressed against me, hearing him rattle off all the things he loves about his life – this life – our life, I’m awed. And the tears well up slightly as I embrace this moment. The moment I KNEW was possible. I didn’t have a road map, a blue print, or even a yellow-brick road to follow during those years, but what I did have was courage. And an unwavering sense of what I desired. Always choosing forward, willing to take a step, a leap, a catapult, knowing that each choice created more awareness for me and what I could, and was creating.
A number of people in my life at the time didn’t understand my choice, nor could they see what was possible. I could, and I stood firmly in that – always referring to it as my guide. Gratefully, all these years later, they comment on how happy I am and how beautiful, caring, kind, happy and well-adjusted my son is. That’s what lights me up. No, I won’t take credit completely, as my ex-husband has been a contribution as a co-parent from where he is and for that, I am eternally grateful.
What I do take credit for is seeing that what we were creating wasn’t working and to knowing that to stay would have been certain destruction without the possibility of a life-line. Then having the strength, the determination and the courage to walk away and start anew. Kind of like painting on a blank canvas, each color and each stroke coming as the desire and the instinct strikes. Being a total non-artist, my canvas is messy and probably not fit for a gallery wall, but its mine and it feels good. It fits. Hearing my son say the words and seeing him move through the life he’s co-creating with me with enthusiasm, confidence and a really big, loving heart is worth every moment of doubt, stress, worry and fear. We are one heck of a masterpiece and it’s not yet complete. That is a beautiful thing.
If you’d like to learn or know more of the presence, power and potency available within you, to truly create a life, living, body, business and bank account that truly rocks beyond your wildest dreams, please contact me in one of the following ways: Rhonda Burns, Life-Changing Creation Coach – Best-Selling Author – International Facilitator – Speaker – Radio Show Host. Web: www.rockthemotherload.com Email: Rhonda@rockthemotherload.com. Office: (972) 420-4530.